Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Not Even Close

Of course, when Sean heard me get out of bed right after him, he knew he was screwed (say it right: sca-roooood!) But the fact that I wasn’t cursing him out told him that he’d done a better job than he’d first imagined.

He was wrong.

Yes, we had stumbled home a tad tipsy that night. Well, I was a tad tipsy, and my stud was toast. The bars in Aruba are quite fun, and we were out there making the most of our vacation every night. Holding hands as we walked toward the rental car, my arm extended and drew near, extended and drew near as I walked along a straight path on the sidewalk, and Sean traipsed along a winding path alongside me.

He was grinning ear to ear. I drove back to the condo. We both passed out.

Sean got up in the night to use the restroom. Because he woke me up, I figured I might as well get up after him and do the same.

His trip: Stumbled over his shoes as he got out of bed, staggered into the wall, groped around in the darkness for the light switch, found the towel rack instead, gave up. Who needs a light anyway. Didn’t fuss with such trivial matters as lifting the seat. Peed in the general direction of the toilet. Maneuvered his way back to the bed and caused a bit of a commotion with the covers upon his reentry.

My trip: Tiptoed gingerly to the bathroom, opted not to use the light so as to protect my precious baby blue eyes, sat my ass down on a Very Wet Seat. Nothing I could do about it now… peed. Wiped off my entire ass with a towel from the towel rack, threw said towel behind the toilet so as not to mistake it for something appropriate to use on one’s face. Returned to the bed and reentered quite delicately, as always.

The noticeable lack of cursing and swearing told him that he must have hit the (very large) bull’s-eye of the toilet with his stream of piss dead-on. He fell asleep with the content feeling of a true winner.

I fell asleep feeling like a shower couldn’t come soon enough. Ditto for new sheets now, too.

In the morning, I nonchalantly thanked him for the lovely gift he left in the bathroom for me at 3am.

He was in shock.

Kind of like when you’re speeding at about 90 mph past a cop who’s sitting in one of those no-u-turn areas of the highway, and he doesn’t whip the car around, flip on the lights and come after you.

Or when you try to toss someone a can of beer from the cooler at a party, and it accidentally hits someone else in the back of the head because your aim sucks, and they don’t totally kick your ass (sorry Chuck). But then again, maybe you get away with the beer thing because you’re pretty cute and a good kisser. But I digress.

So anyway, the next night, when I got up to use the bathroom in the condo? The toilet seat was lifted.

And I fell in.

I guess I need to use the light.

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